THE SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIPS AND HEALTHY WAYS TO RESPOND

THE SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIPS AND HEALTHY WAYS TO RESPOND

Manipulation in relationships occurs when one person deliberately twists thoughts and emotions to influence, dominate, or control another. The underlying goal is to gain power over the other person in order to achieve their own desires. A manipulative individual is often highly aware of your vulnerabilities and will exploit them to maintain control. As long as their tactics are successful and they continue to benefit, the manipulation is likely to persist. Breaking free requires a conscious and intentional decision to stop the pattern, which can be difficult. For this reason, seeking support—especially when dealing with someone who consistently uses manipulation—is strongly recommended.

Indicators of Manipulation in a Relationship

If a relationship regularly leaves you feeling emotionally exhausted, anxious, fearful, or questioning your own needs, thoughts, and emotions, emotional manipulation may be at play. Trust your instincts—they often signal when something is not right. Manipulative behaviour can take many forms and may involve one or more of the following tactics:

Gaslighting Behaviours

Someone who gaslights you may distort the truth, shift blame, or dismiss your emotional experiences. This type of manipulation often shows up in statements such as, “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re overreacting.” The aim of gaslighting is to undermine your confidence and make you doubt the legitimacy of your own thoughts and feelings. By invalidating your experiences, the manipulator avoids accountability and maintains control over your perceptions and actions. If you think you may be experiencing gaslighting, take note of how you feel after interacting with this person. Common reactions include confusion, self-doubt, diminished self-worth, or feeling unable to trust your own judgment.

Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

Rather than communicating openly, a passive-aggressive person hides their true emotions and expresses them indirectly. This may include avoiding meaningful conversations, withdrawing from you, or deliberately steering clear of certain topics. Sarcasm is also a common feature of this behaviour. For instance, a passive-aggressive partner may seek attention through exaggerated nonverbal cues such as sighing, sulking, or pouting. They may display emotionally immature reactions designed to provoke you into asking what’s wrong, instead of clearly expressing their feelings.

Constant Lying and Blame-Shifting

An emotionally manipulative person often refuses to take responsibility for their behaviour. They may lie outright or distort the truth to make themselves appear innocent or justified. In many cases, they redirect blame onto you, causing you to question your own memory or perception of events—another common form of gaslighting. While occasional “white lies” are common in everyday interactions, emotionally manipulative individuals tend to lie with the intention of deceiving and controlling, rather than protecting or preserving harmony.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is a common form of manipulation that involves overwhelming you with intense affection early in the relationship. This may include declaring love within a short time, pushing for commitment too soon, or showering you with excessive praise and attention. A person who love bombs often idealises you one moment, then suddenly withdraws affection or devalues you the next. The primary aim of love bombing is control—drawing you into a cycle of emotional dependence and unhealthy attachment. It is frequently seen in abusive relationships, where periods of mistreatment are followed by grand apologies, gifts, or affectionate gestures. Despite these displays, the love bomber rarely takes responsibility or makes lasting changes, and this pattern often escalates into other manipulative tactics such as gaslighting or coercion.

Using Threats and Coercion

A person who pressures you through threats or force to make you comply is engaging in emotional manipulation. For example, a partner may threaten to end the relationship if you do not agree to their demands. In some cases, a partner may threaten to harm themselves as a way to control your actions. While they may or may not follow through, any mention of self-harm must always be taken seriously. Individuals who use such threats need professional mental health support. You can encourage your partner to seek help while still maintaining firm boundaries that protect your emotional and physical wellbeing.

Withholding Communication or Affection

Another indicator of emotional manipulation is withdrawal, often referred to as the “silent treatment.” A manipulative partner may stop speaking to you, withhold important information, or deny affection or intimacy as a form of punishment—sometimes over minor issues. This withdrawal may continue until you give in to their demands or accept blame for something that is not your responsibility.

Isolating You From Support Systems

Someone seeking control may attempt to distance you from friends and family, especially if those people have expressed concern or disapproval of the relationship. Alternatively, a manipulative partner may try to win over your loved ones to serve their own interests. For example, if they sense you are considering leaving, they may attempt to persuade your family or friends to pressure you into staying. These behaviours can leave you feeling isolated, unsupported, and unsure of your decisions, making it harder to leave an unhealthy relationship.

Why People Accept or Endure Manipulation in Relationships

Individuals may tolerate manipulation because they begin to internalise responsibility for their partner’s behaviour. Fear of confrontation, abandonment, or loneliness can make it difficult to stand up for themselves or consider leaving the relationship. Some people develop people-pleasing patterns rooted in past trauma or grew up in environments where their emotions and needs were ignored or invalidated. Others may remain in manipulative relationships because they lack a strong support system to help them recognise the unhealthy dynamics or provide assistance in leaving.

Many individuals stay in manipulative relationships because they believe they are responsible for their partner’s behaviour. Fear of conflict, abandonment, or being alone can prevent them from setting boundaries or leaving. Others struggle with people-pleasing rooted in trauma or were raised in environments where their feelings were dismissed. A lack of supportive friends or family can further trap someone in the relationship.

Why Manipulators Behave the Way They Do

People engage in manipulation primarily to get what they want, protect their self-image, and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Many seek control, dominance, or power within the relationship, while others manipulate to gain sympathy, attention, or compliance. Some attempt to wear down their partner emotionally so their own needs are prioritised. Manipulative behaviours often have roots in a person’s upbringing. Individuals raised in dysfunctional environments may have learned manipulation as a survival strategy—either to meet basic needs, avoid punishment, or mirror behaviours they experienced from caregivers. Attachment difficulties, high anxiety levels, and in some cases mental health conditions such as borderline or narcissistic personality traits, can also contribute to manipulative patterns.

Why Manipulation Is Hard to Recognise

Identifying manipulation can be difficult, especially when it comes from someone you love. People with low self-esteem may feel they must change themselves to be accepted. Those with a history of abuse or emotional neglect are often more vulnerable, as manipulation may feel familiar. Limited social support can also increase dependence on a partner, making unhealthy behaviour easier to tolerate.

How to Respond to Manipulative Behaviour

Emotional manipulation is a form of emotional abuse and should not be minimised. The first step toward change is acknowledging that manipulation is occurring. Addressing it may involve having calm, direct conversations that clearly describe specific behaviours and their emotional impact.

Seeking professional help can be especially valuable. Individual or couples counselling can help uncover the roots of manipulation, improve communication, and clarify whether change is possible. Therapy also supports individuals in identifying healthy boundaries and recognising when it may be necessary to walk away.

Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

Strong boundaries are essential in manipulative relationships. Clearly define what behaviours are unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed. Follow through consistently to protect your emotional wellbeing. If manipulation continues despite clear boundaries and support, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship. In situations where emotional manipulation escalates or feels unsafe, planning a safe exit and involving trusted friends, family, or professionals is crucial.

Practice Self-Compassion

If you have experienced emotional manipulation, it is common to struggle with self-blame or guilt when you begin setting and maintaining boundaries. Remind yourself that your emotional and physical wellbeing matter and deserve to be protected. Offer yourself kindness and understanding, and remember that every person deserves to feel safe, valued, and respected in a relationship. While you cannot control another person’s actions, you do have control over your choices—including whether you continue to engage with them or allow them access to your life.

How to Discuss Manipulation with Your Partner

When you choose to address manipulation in your relationship, it’s important to approach the conversation with a clear plan. Confronting a manipulative partner can be challenging, as they may attempt to continue their tactics, become defensive, shift blame onto you, or try to guilt you into letting the issue slide. The following strategies can help make the conversation more productive:

• Be prepared: Before speaking, identify specific instances of manipulation. Concrete examples make it harder for your partner to deny or dismiss the behavior.


• Use “I” statements: Focus on expressing your feelings and experiences rather than blaming your partner. Framing your concerns with statements like, “I feel…,” or “I experience…,” helps reduce defensiveness and encourages constructive dialogue.


• Listen carefully: Allow your partner to share their perspective, but remain objective and do not let them minimize or dismiss the problem. If your partner is willing to engage respectfully and discuss ways to improve your interactions, use it as an opportunity to work toward a healthier relationship.


• Assess their response: If your partner reacts with anger, defensiveness, or refuses to listen, take a step back and evaluate whether staying in the relationship is in your best interest.

Addressing manipulation requires both courage and self-awareness, and setting boundaries for your own wellbeing should always remain a priority.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, we help you recognize the subtle signs of emotional manipulation in your relationships and empower you to take control of your emotional wellbeing. Our expert guidance equips you with practical strategies to set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and stop manipulative patterns from controlling your life. Whether in a romantic relationship, family dynamic, or friendship, we provide a safe, supportive space to restore your confidence, reclaim your voice, and build healthier, more respectful connections.

Any time you encounter issues in your relationships, marriages or family, remember you don’t have to do it alone. Always seek our services by calling/WhatsApp at *+254721240462* /*254733932470* or email us at pkuruga@gmail.com. Also check for the complete and more informative articles on the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke. 

*Peter Mugi Kuruga*

*Counselling Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*

*Court Annexed Mediator*