WHY YOU KEEP ATTRACTING TOXIC PARTNERS AND HOW TO STOP THE CYCLE

WHY YOU KEEP ATTRACTING TOXIC PARTNERS—AND HOW TO STOP THE CYCLE

Does it sometimes seem like you keep making the same dating mistakes again and again? You promise yourself that you’ll stop overlooking red flags, stop settling for less than you deserve, and stop holding on to relationships—or situationships—that don’t benefit you anymore. Yet somehow, every time you start dating someone new, you find yourself repeating the same pattern. It makes you wonder if your love life is cursed or if you’re destined to end up in toxic relationships. The hard truth is this: we can sometimes be attracted to unhealthy dynamics. We confuse emotional traps for comfort and misread red flags as green lights. The good news? You can break this pattern and intentionally choose healthier, nurturing relationships.

What Makes Someone a Toxic Partner?

Before you can break free from toxicity, it’s important to understand what a truly toxic relationship looks like. Not every challenging partner is “toxic” or a “narcissist.” All relationships involve disagreements and difficult moments. However, toxic dynamics are marked by consistent behaviors that drain you, disrespect you, and push your needs aside.

Key Signs of a Toxic Partner

• Disrespect: They dismiss your feelings, opinions, or concerns, making their perspective the only one that matters.


• Emotional immaturity: Even when you’re hurting, they prioritize their emotions, needs, and ego over yours.


• Selfishness: The relationship becomes one-sided—you give, they take. They rarely show interest in your inner world.


• Blaming: They shift responsibility for their actions onto you (“You made me act this way”), often manipulating situations to stay in control.


• No accountability: They demand understanding for their mistakes but refuse to acknowledge how they’ve hurt you.


• Trust issues: They remain suspicious or unforgiving, even without cause, holding onto past conflicts as weapons.


• Lack of support: When you open up, you leave conversations feeling belittled, misunderstood, or emotionally drained.


• Toxic communication: Conversations are filled with criticism, assumptions, defensiveness, and unresolved conflicts—leaving you tiptoeing around them.


• Low self-esteem: Over time, your boundaries weaken, your self-worth erodes, and you start doubting your judgment.

What makes this cycle confusing is that there are still good moments—sweet memories or emotional highs that make you want to stay. But remaining in a relationship that consistently hurts you disconnects you from your intuition and blinds you to your own value. This emotional disconnection is what makes it so difficult to walk away from an unhealthy partnership.

How Past Trauma Shapes the Partners We Choose

Many people repeatedly end up with the same type of partner without realizing why. Often, this pattern is rooted in past emotional wounds. For years, one may be was drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, intense, and inconsistent—different faces but the same unhealthy dynamic. Looking back, one realises this was tied to repetition compulsion, a Freudian idea describing how we subconsciously recreate familiar patterns from our past in an attempt to “fix” the original pain.

In this case, they kept choosing partners who resembled their emotionally distant father. Believing these partners were more caring than they actually were, they gradually minimized their own needs—mirroring their mother’s behavior in that old relationship. The trauma led to hyper-independence and a cycle of repeated disappointment.

The Role of Attachment Styles

Attachment patterns also influence who we are drawn to. When one had an anxious attachment style, they find themselves irresistibly pulled toward avoidant partners—people who stayed close enough to keep the connection alive but distant enough to trigger insecurity. This push–pull dynamic felt unstable, but it felt familiar, which made it oddly comforting.

This is explained by the mere exposure effect, a psychological principle that says we tend to be drawn to what we already know. Even if it’s unhealthy, familiarity can feel like attraction.

How to Spot Common Patterns in Your Past Relationships

Take time to reflect on your dating history and look for repeating themes. This self-review can reveal behaviors or dynamics you’ve continually been drawn to. Consider asking yourself:

• What kind of people am I typically attracted to?


• Does my idea of a “type” keep me choosing partners who can’t offer true emotional closeness?


• Are there traits I value—like empathy, patience, or vulnerability—that might unintentionally draw me toward unhealthy partners?


• How do my relationships usually come to an end?


• Are there similar reasons behind most breakups?


• What have my exes’ words or actions communicated to me about myself?


• Do any of these dynamics feel similar to what I experienced growing up?


• What “story” has my partners reinforced about my worth or identity?


• Did I tolerate behaviors that were harmful? If yes, which ones?


• Am I repeatedly seeking love from the same kinds of people?

Next, reflect specifically on the individuals you’ve dated:

• What qualities did they share?


• Were they consistently missing key traits you genuinely needed—such as emotional presence, empathy, or self-awareness?


• Why did you stay in relationships that lacked important values?


• Did you feel like asking for basic things (respect, consistency, commitment) made you seem demanding or “too much”?


• Did you compromise your needs or values to keep the relationship going because of what you hoped they would eventually offer?

Becoming aware of these recurring patterns empowers you to stop choosing toxic partners and start creating healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Ways to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

Once you’ve identified your recurring dating patterns, the next step is learning how to change them.

1. Listen to your intuition.

In the early stages of a toxic relationship, you often feel a subtle sense that something isn’t right: I don’t feel fully myself around this person. Something feels off. Instead of brushing off that inner warning because you’re excited about the possibility of love, pay attention to what that instinct is telling you.

1. Explore beyond your usual “type.”

Challenge yourself to look past surface-level preferences—height, age, appearance, instant chemistry—and focus instead on genuine green flags such as kindness, honesty, emotional maturity, and consistency. When you value these traits first, you’re more likely to build healthy connections. Honor your non-negotiables from the start, and release anyone who cannot meet them.

1. Keep perspective as you date.

Set clear boundaries early and often. Use journaling to spot patterns, remind yourself of your standards, and see your partner’s behavior more objectively. Talk openly with trusted friends or family so they can give you honest feedback about what they observe.

Why Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion Matter

Sometimes one realizes their patterns only after being in their most harmful relationship. It then becomes a turning point—a recognition that they couldn’t continue trying to create a happy ending with partners who were never capable of meeting their needs. Understanding that you play a role in your relationship choices is empowering. You’re not just a bystander—you’re the common denominator. When you acknowledge your influence in the cycle, you regain control and can start making choices that support your well-being.

But awareness must be paired with self-compassion. It’s easy to feel shame for missing red flags or staying too long. Instead, forgive yourself. You can’t change the past, but you can appreciate the growth happening now and move forward with confidence, creating space for healthier relationships.

Getting Support

Working with a therapist—especially one who understands self-esteem, attachment styles, or relationship dynamics—can make the journey easier. Professional support can help you gain clarity, heal old wounds, and walk step-by-step into more secure, fulfilling partnerships.

If you keep finding yourself in the same painful relationships—overlooking red flags, settling for less, or repeating patterns from your past—you don’t have to face it alone. At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our skilled Counselling Psychologists and Marriage & Family Therapists will help you understand why you’ve been drawn to toxic partners and guide you toward building healthier, more secure, and deeply fulfilling relationships. Your story doesn’t have to repeat itself. Let us help you create a new, healthier chapter in your love life. 💛 Book your session today.

Always seek our services by calling/WhatsApp at +*254721240462*/*254733932470* or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke. Also check for more informative articles on the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke.  

*Peter Mugi Kuruga*

*Counselling Psychologist* | *Marriage and Family Therapist*