ACCEPTING AND LEARNING TO GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY AS A COUPLE
ACCEPTING AND LEARNING TO GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY AS A COUPLE
"We’ve often said it, but it’s worth saying again — we’re really different! One key area where our differences show is in how we each handle grief. The real challenge, though, is learning how to give each other the space and understanding to grieve in our own ways." Over the years, we’ve come to understand that when two people get married, God calls them to unite their unique approaches to life for a shared purpose. This doesn’t mean one person’s identity or needs are erased—it means learning to blend our individual strengths and perspectives in a way that benefits both the relationship and each other. In doing so, we build a stronger marriage and support one another more deeply.
One important lesson we’ve learned is this: just because one of us expresses grief through tears and openness while the other becomes quiet and withdrawn doesn’t mean either of us is wrong. It simply shows that we each find comfort in grieving differently—and sometimes, we move through that grief on different timelines. It’s unfair to judge our spouse’s grieving process just because it doesn’t match our own. Even if we don’t fully understand their way, that doesn’t make it invalid. It just is. So instead of criticizing, accept it. Would you want to be judged based on someone else’s standards? Probably not—and neither does your partner.
As therapist Lisa Laguardia Fischer reminds us, expressing what we need during grief is crucial, even though it can feel hard to put into words when we’re overwhelmed. Our partner may care deeply but still not know what we need unless we tell them. If you need space, say so. If you want silent support, ask for it. Ultimately, it comes down to giving each other grace. Our spouse doesn’t need our judgment—they need our love and understanding. At the same time, it’s okay to ask for support in our own grief. Marriage is about partnership, and that includes walking through pain with honesty, compassion, and kindness.
Everyone grieves differently. One partner might need to talk things out, while the other might need time alone. The key to supporting each other is recognizing and honoring these differences. Patience and empathy play a vital role in this process. Creating a space where both of you feel safe to express your emotions—without fear of judgment or pressure—is essential. Simply letting your spouse know you’re present and supportive, even if your ways of grieving aren’t the same, helps build emotional closeness and mutual understanding.
Different Ways of Responding
Our personalities and perspectives often make us react differently, even when we face the same situation. If this troubles you, gently bring it up with your spouse. Share that you’re confused and want to better understand their way of handling things. Avoid judging or shaming—just listen and try to see where they’re coming from. Work toward building bridges of understanding so that these differences don’t slowly harm your relationship. If, after talking, you still can’t fully see things from your partner’s perspective, it’s okay to “agree to disagree.” Choose to love and accept each other unconditionally, even in your differences. You may not always see eye-to-eye, but you can stay connected heart-to-heart. And if you need comfort through touch—like a hug or being held—don’t wait for your spouse to guess. Kindly ask for it. That simple step, done without blame or criticism, can make a big difference.
Different Ways of Grieving
You may never fully understand how your spouse handles grief—and that’s okay. Their way, just like yours, doesn’t mean either of you is flawed. It simply means you’re different.
Staying Alert in Grief
Grief makes us vulnerable, and during such times the Bible warns us to stay alert. (1 Peter 5: 8) “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring Lion looking for someone to devour”. When our hearts ache, we naturally seek comfort. But some forms of comfort can be harmful. It’s easier than many realize to become emotionally or physically entangled with someone outside your marriage—not because you planned it, but because grief leaves you open to it. The same is true with turning to substances as a way of numbing the pain. These “solutions” only lead to regret. That’s why it’s important to protect yourself. Just as Joseph fled temptation, be quick to step away from anything that could compromise your values or your faith. Set firm boundaries before challenges come, so you’re prepared. Guard your heart, your choices, and your relationship—because protecting them now spares you from deep regret later.
Rely Deeply on God’s Love and Care
Remember, God Himself said, “It is not good for man to be alone,” even when He was present with Adam. This reminds us that we need God, our spouse, and supportive people around us as we process grief. If your spouse or others aren’t able to walk closely with you during this season, lean even more on God to carry you through. His shoulders are strong enough to hold your pain. Scripture assures us that He cares for you deeply and that He will never leave or abandon you. Even if His presence feels quiet, you can trust that He is faithfully with you (Cindy and Steve Wright).
At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our compassionate and highly trained Marriage and Family Therapists are dedicated to walking with you through the pain of loss, offering professional guidance, emotional support, and practical tools to help you cope, heal, and rebuild. We understand that grief is deeply personal and has no set timeline, and we are committed to providing a safe, understanding space where you can process your emotions at your own pace. With our expertise and care, we will stand beside you every step of the way until you find strength, peace, and a renewed sense of hope for the future.
Call/WhatsApp us at +254733932470 |+254733932470 to book a counselling session. Also visit the blog on our website www.givinghope.co.ke for more comprehensive articles on mental health, relationships and Marriages.
Peter Mugi Kuruga
Counselling Psychologist | Marriage and Family Therapist
Court Annexed Mediator