SIGNS OF LOW SELF ESTEEM AND HOW TO REGAIN THE SELF ESTEEM
SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND HOW TO REGAIN THE SELF ESTEEM
Low self-esteem describes a general poor sense of one’s own value, essentially meaning a negative view of oneself. It can involve various aspects such as one's identity, confidence, feelings of capability, and sense of belonging. Self-esteem goes beyond simply liking oneself; it also includes the belief that you deserve love and the appreciation of your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, interests, and goals. It can influence how you permit others to treat you.
Good self-esteem affects not only how you feel about and treat yourself, but also your motivation to pursue your goals and your capacity to form healthy, supportive relationships. It is important in many areas of life, which is why low self-esteem can be a significant issue. Low self-esteem often means thinking negatively about yourself, judging yourself harshly, and lacking confidence in your abilities.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
Although it isn’t classified as a mental illness, having low self-esteem can influence a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns. Its signs can be obvious at times and subtler at others. For instance, some individuals with low self-esteem speak negatively about themselves, while others strive to please others to a fault. In either case, a diminished sense of personal worth can negatively affect life and well-being.
Common signs or symptoms of low self-esteem include:
- Lack of confidence
- External locus of control
- Negative social comparisons
- Difficulty asking for help
- Worry and self-doubt
- Difficulty accepting compliments
- Negative self-talk
- Fear of failure
- Pessimistic view of the future
- Lack of boundaries
- People-pleasing tendencies
Poor Confidence
People who have low self-confidence often have low self-esteem, and the relationship can work both ways. Low self-esteem can contribute to a lack of confidence, while poor confidence can also worsen or fuel low self-esteem. Believing in yourself and in your abilities helps you trust that you can handle various situations. This inner trust makes you feel at ease and capable as you navigate many different experiences, which supports your overall well-being. Seeking ways to build confidence can be beneficial. Developing and practicing new skills is one approach you might try. This can also help lessen feelings of anxiety, since research links a lack of confidence with higher anxiety, especially in stressful situations.
Lack of Control
Individuals with low self-esteem often feel as though they have minimal control over their lives or outcomes. This sense may stem from believing they lack the ability to effect change in themselves or in the world around them. With an external locus of control, they may feel powerless to address their problems. Research indicates that in situations where control is limited, higher self-esteem can mitigate some of the negative effects of this loss of control, which in turn supports mental health. If you feel you have little control over your life or circumstances, working on improving your self-esteem could be beneficial for your overall well-being.
Negative Social Comparison
Social comparison can occasionally serve a positive purpose and bolster a person’s sense of self. However, comparing yourself to others can also harm self-esteem. Individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to engage in upward social comparison—measuring themselves against people they perceive as superior. Upward social comparison isn’t inherently harmful. It can provide information and motivation for improvement. Yet when it leaves someone feeling inadequate or hopeless, it can undermine self-esteem. Social media can amplify these comparisons and contribute to lower self-esteem. If you frequently compare yourself unfavorably to others on platforms like Facebook and Instagram, your self-esteem may suffer.
Problems Asking for What You Need
People with low self-esteem may struggle to request what they need. This difficulty can stem from embarrassment, or from the belief that needing help signals incompetence. Because they have a low sense of self-worth, they may feel undeserving of assistance and deprioritize their own desires, making it hard to speak up when they need support.
Worry and Self-Doubt
Even after deciding, individuals with low self-worth often fret that they made the wrong choice. They may doubt their own views and defer to others instead of sticking with their decisions. This tendency to second-guess themselves can lead to persistent self-doubt, complicating life decisions for those with low self-esteem.
Trouble Accepting Positive Feedback
A 2017 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that low self-esteem is directly linked to difficulty accepting or leveraging compliments. Positive feedback is often met with suspicion, as compliments may feel inconsistent with their self-view, leading to feelings that the other person is insincere or hurtful. Because they hold a negative view of themselves, individuals with low self-esteem struggle to accept praise from others.
Negative Self-Talk
Low self-esteem shifts focus to flaws rather than strengths. Rather than practicing positive self-talk, they frequently engage in negative commentary about themselves. When things go awry, they tend to blame themselves and critique various aspects of their appearance, personality, or abilities.
Fear of Failure
A lack of confidence in their abilities makes people with low self-esteem doubt their potential for success. Fear of failure often leads them to avoid challenges or give up quickly without genuine effort. This fear can manifest as acting out when things go wrong, concealing feelings of inadequacy, making excuses, blaming external factors, or downplaying the importance of tasks.
Poor Outlook
Low self-worth can make the future seem unlikely to improve, fostering hopelessness. This can hinder efforts to pursue positive life changes. Self-sabotage is a common coping mechanism, as individuals create obstacles to success and then blame them for not achieving goals or happiness.
Lack of Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is often learned early in life. Children who are raised in environments where they are respected tend to establish better boundaries and hold a more positive self-view. Those with low self-esteem may struggle to set boundaries, feeling guilty or fearing that others will dislike them if they enforce limits. A lack of healthy boundaries can lead to conflicts when others encroach on personal space or time, increasing stress and diminishing feelings of value.
Trying to Please Others
People-pleasing is another frequent sign of low self-esteem. To seek external validation, individuals who feel poorly about themselves may go to great lengths to ensure others are comfortable and satisfied. Often, this means neglecting their own needs. A person with low self-esteem may agree to tasks they don’t want to do and feel guilty for saying no.
Impact of Low Self-Esteem
Research indicates that low self-esteem has a wide range of effects. For example, reduced self-esteem is associated with several mental health concerns, including:
- Anxiety
- Eating disorders
- Emotional distress
- Internet addiction
- Panic disorder
- Risky behaviors
- Social anxiety disorder
- Substance use
- Stress
Additionally, low self-esteem may contribute to the development of certain mental health conditions, such as depression. Studies have also found that individuals with low self-esteem are at a higher risk of considering suicide.
Another consequence of low self-esteem is that achieving goals and building healthy, supportive relationships can be more challenging. It can also make individuals more sensitive to criticism or rejection. While those with high self-esteem are often able to brush off negative feedback, people with low self-worth may take it more personally. This tendency can make them more likely to give up when confronted with difficulties or obstacles.
Research indicates that individuals with low self-esteem frequently engage in behaviors aimed at protecting their fragile self-worth. For example, acting sad or sulking may be used to elicit support from others. Unfortunately, these strategies often backfire. Instead of receiving the support and encouragement they seek to boost self-esteem, they frequently provoke negative reactions from others.
HOW TO REBUILD YOUR SELF ESTEEM
Building or restoring low self-esteem takes time, but you can do things to protect your mental well-being while you work on your self-regard.
Focus on Hopeful Thoughts
Spend a few minutes each day cultivating positive, hopeful thoughts. Acknowledge your small strengths and allow yourself to feel proud of them. Reflect on past moments when you overcame a difficult situation. Remind yourself that, even if you don’t feel your best now, you have the inner capacity and resilience to get through it.
Care for Yourself
Low self-esteem can make you feel unworthy of care. Practice reminding yourself that you deserve care and look for simple ways to show kindness to yourself. Self-care can include engaging in enjoyable activities, such as taking a walk, talking with a friend, or pursuing a hobby. Make time to rest and recharge, giving your body and mind the opportunity to recover. Looking after yourself isn’t a reward you must earn—it’s essential for both physical and mental health.
Seek Outside Support
If you struggle with low self-esteem, sharing your challenges with someone who offers unconditional support can be helpful. This could be a friend or family member, or a healthcare provider, therapist, teacher, or clergy member. A supportive network of people who value you can aid your journey toward higher self-esteem.
How to Build Self-Esteem
If you’re dealing with low self-esteem, several strategies can help you feel better about yourself.
- Think positively
- Treat yourself with kindness
- Practice self-acceptance and forgiveness
- Seek support from friends and loved ones
- Do things that bring you joy
- Acknowledge your achievements and progress
- Actively challenge negative thoughts and self-criticism
- Notice Your Thoughts
Pay attention to automatic negative thoughts.
When they arise, identify cognitive distortions (e.g., all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions) and replace them with more constructive thoughts.
Forgive Yourself
If you dwell on mistakes, learn to forgive yourself and move forward. This helps you focus on future improvements rather than past failures.
Practice Self-Acceptance
Let go of the belief that you must be perfect to have value. If this feels true, work on accepting who you are today. Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you can’t have goals or want to change things. It means you’re worthy of love and respect—from yourself and others—as you are now.
Value Yourself
Take time to reflect on your accomplishments and what you’re proud of. Appreciate your worth and talents without constantly comparing yourself to others or fixerating on what you want to improve. Treat yourself as you would a friend: offer understanding, patience, empathy, and kindness. Give yourself that same unconditional support instead of harsh self-criticism.
Additional Ways to Boost Self-Esteem
- Do things that make you feel good
- Stay physically active; exercise can lift mood
- Acknowledge your strengths
- Keep a gratitude journal
- Challenge negative thoughts
- Surround yourself with people who support you
- Volunteer to help others
- Remember that mistakes are part of life
- Celebrate all achievements, big and small
Keep in Mind
Self-esteem influences your ability to pursue goals, form healthy relationships, and feel good about who you are. Everyone doubts themselves sometimes, but low self-esteem can dampen happiness and increase vulnerability to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. If you notice persistent symptoms of poor self-esteem, consider seeking help from a healthcare provider or mental health professional to explore treatment options. A therapist can help modify thought patterns that fuel low self-esteem and boost your confidence and self-worth. Raising self-esteem takes time and effort, but with ongoing practice, you can learn to see and value yourself more clearly.
Peter Mugi Kuruga
Counselling Psychologist | Marriage and Family Therapist
References
Gabriel AS, Erickson RJ, Diefendorff JM, Krantz D. (2020). When does feeling in control benefit well-being? The boundary conditions of identity commitment and self-esteem. J Vocation Behav. 2020;119:103415. doi:10.1016/j.jvb.2020.103415
Vogel EA, Rose JP, Roberts LR, Eckles K. Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychol Pop Media Culture. 2014;3:206–222. doi:10.1037/ppm0000047
Wang JL, Wang HZ, Gaskin J, Hawk S. (2017). The mediating roles of upward social comparison and self-esteem and the moderating role of social comparison orientation in the association between social networking site usage and subjective well-being. Front Psychol. 2017;8:771. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00771